1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.
  2. You’ve ever dreamed you were preaching  only to awaken and discover you were. 
  3. You’ve wondered why people couldn’t die at more appropriate times. 
  4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.
  5. You’re leading the church into the 21st century, but you don’t know what you are preaching on Sunday. 
  6. A church picnic is no picnic. 
  7. You’ve ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.
  8. People sleep while you’re talking.
  9. It’s Sunday, but Monday’s coming.
  10. You feel guilty when you go fishing.
  11. Instead of being “ticked off,” you get “grieved in your spirit.”
  12. You’ve been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
  13. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.
  14. You’ve waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
  15. You have ever received an anonymous U-Haul gift certificate.
  16. You’d rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
  17. You have ever walked up to the counter at the Dairy Queen and ordered a church split.
  18. You’ve ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
  19. You’ve been told to get a ‘real job.’
  20. You’ve been asked, “What’s so hard about preaching?”
  21. You have ever been tempted to name your fishing boat, “Visitation.” 
  22. You win a door prize at the church banquet and people say it was rigged. 
  23. You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments “We are paying you too much money!” 
  24. You’d like to have a TV ministry but can’t afford the wigs and makeup for your wife.
  25. You’ve seen an ugly bride.
  26. You’ve ever been asked to pray for a soap opera character.
  27. You’ve ever been asked to pray for a poodle.
  28. 10 am, 11 am, or 6:30 pm mean anything to you.
  29. You’re a very responsible person – if anything goes wrong, you’re responsible.
  30. You’re never off on Christmas or Easter.
  31. You’re tired of the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac joke.
  32. Everything you say has three “P’s,” a joke, a quote and an illustration.
  33. The words “And in conclusion” mean absolutely nothing to you.
  34. You’ve ever “beseeched” anyone.
  35. You’ve ever wanted to preach on commitment but wavered.
  36. You suffer from P.M.S. – “Pre Message Syndrome.”
  37. People leave while you are talking.
  38. If “daycare” and “lawsuit” are synonymous to you.
  39. You’ve secretly wanted the worship team to drench you with Gatorade after a particularly good sermon.
  40. You’ve ever been asked what you do the rest of the week.
  41. You’d rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed.
  42. You’ve ever had personality conflict with a deacon – you had one and he didn’t.
  43. You hesitate to call on Brother Longwind to pray.
  44. You know that 501c3 is not a new type of jeans.
  45. You ever wanted to “lay hands” on a deacon’s neck.

About James Rasbeary

I am the pastor of the Lighthouse Baptist Church in Wylie, Texas. Check out my blog at www.broraz.com.
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